Crossroad

I am at a crossroad and don't know which road to take. I'm over halfway through the MA program and given the experiences I've had inside and outside of school this semester, I'm reconsidering the path I put myself on when I decided to go back and earn a master's degree. It's not that I think I made the wrong choice, that's not how I live my life. No regrets or second guessing. Examine yourself, examine your choices, leap and don't look back. That's my way and it works for me. The crossroad I'm facing is: do I continue in this MA program right now, or do I pause for now and continue on later at this school or another.

The old saying "life happens" couldn't be more true. Life "happened" this semester - two deaths, major changes for my daughter, my husband, myself. Meaning of life stuff. None of us are even close to who or where we were when I started on this path to higher education. If I'm honest, I think I've changed the most. These changes, especially the deaths, have caused me to examine how the choices we make affect so many lives.

You see, I believe in synchronicity, in connections, that there are threads that weave through our lives linking one thing, person, or event to another. I believe in mystery and magic and possibilities that come from what we don't know and learn along the way. I believe in evolution - not so much what Darwin talked about - but evolution of opportunity, of spirit. Call me sentimental, misguided, or just plain stupid, but my beliefs help me find meaning in life and understanding for the things that happen, even if the understanding isn't immediate.

I wanted to get into teaching in order to be in a more creative environment and to help people grow, but I wonder if I was just being naive. The alternative is going back to a "regular" job and being a drone again. Am I fooling myself that by changing careers I won't simply be trading one dronedom for another? My experiences with the program have made me think so.

What if the "higher education" I'm to acquire is not from this program?

So do I pay attention and alter my course, or do I pay attention and press on as planned? A new direction, or a new perspective in the same direction? And what synchronicities will flow from my decision?

I've learned this semester that "essaying" doesn't necessarily mean that a writer comes to a definitive conclusion by the end of the essay, but tries to find meaning or understanding through the act of composing. To "assay" (verb) means "to put to the test or practice." Sounds like life.